


Depressed Again

by babypastasensei



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, basically suicidal baz oof, ending for interpretation, sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 15:49:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babypastasensei/pseuds/babypastasensei
Summary: baz is depressed and anorexic.loosely based on "I don't even care about you" by missio.a rant that I formatted to baz lol. sry not sry...





	Depressed Again

**Author's Note:**

> the writing in parenthesis are his inner thoughts or something?? I don't understand and I wrote it haha.  
> the original song lyrics are before each section of the story. I hope that makes sense...  
> I recommend listening to the song!! heres the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbYZG67UaU  
> I love how my first fic in the fandom is a suicide fic haha. sry if its bad. I'm too tired to edit it any more.  
>  
> 
> enjoy.

Depressed again  
Morning comes too fast and I'm tired of the routine

 

Baz woke up to sunlight pouring through the window. Angrily, he sat up wishing he could just go back to sleep; infact, sleep was too short. He welcomed death. But, he was already dead and his heart clenched painfully. Feeling heavy, Baz slowly closed his eyes sinking back into his mattress. What would his mother think of him now?

 

Depressed again  
Let me sit alone in the tone of your gravity

 

Simon called out softly, Baz are you coming to breakfast? Those six soft words made Baz want to burn himself. (The soft tone is what got to him; why should Baz deserve kindness? He was a monster, what was the point?) They made him want to live, they grounded him. (This is ridiculous.) But death was the better option. He didn’t matter anyway. He flew out of bed snarling a harsh, get out of my way. His breathing heavy, Baz rushed into the bathroom trying to ignore the hurt look in Simon’s face. (It doesn’t matter, nothing matters)

 

Angry again  
Know I don't wanna have a conversation with you

 

He stripped getting into the shower though the water was still cold. (Staring at his thin frame, he glared, thinking I’m not small enough, no one could love me. Even my mother left me.) After a few minutes, the water heated to a soothing temperature. Still angry at Simon, Baz turned up the heat. He knew that the heat would eventually begin to marr and burn his delicate skin. Baz didn't care. If anybody asked, he could just say that he was sunburnt or his eczema was acting up. No one (everyone) would know he was lying.

 

Depressed again  
Evening comes too fast, still tired of the routine

 

After a long day, Baz was tired of having to avoid everyone, he still craved death. Over a few weeks, Baz had stopped eating. Occasionally, he ate just so that Dev and Niall would stop looking at him sadly (pityingly). Just thinking of food made him want to force himself to throw up, but there was nothing left in his stomach and just acid would come up burning his throat. Slowly he exhaled, feeling his ribs. (Let his flesh sink away, leaving his bare bones.)

 

Depressed again  
I can do without your forced curiosities

 

Footsteps thundered up the stairs leading to the room. Not trusting himself to be able to speak to someone (Just act happy all the time.), Baz pulled himself under the blankets on his bed. His arms shook and he shivered in the cold (why does Simon always leave the window open?).  
Bunce quietly opened the door letting Simon slip in before her. She went up to his bed. Baz, she whispered, I know you’re not asleep. Baz opened his eyes slowly seeming to ask Bunce what she wanted without speaking.  
Simon told me he’s worried about you, the girl continued.  
(Don't pretend to care about me.)  
We’re worried, Simon cut in.  
(Don't pretend to care about me.)  
Baz sat up trying to look as annoyed as possible. Bunce seemed to not be taking his fake glare and slowly sat down next to him on the bed. (Why do i always let people get close to me? I’m just going to destroy them.)  
Seeming to know where his train of thought was going, Bunce said, you’re not going to hurt us, we are here to help you.  
(Don't pretend to care about me.)  
Not being able to stand the close proximity and the comforting looks Bunce and Simon were giving him, Baz jumped up from the bed and (he knew they didn’t care) … landed on the floor. Beginning to sob, Baz tried to stand again and realized he was too weak. (I just wanted to be good enough.) Baz, Simon gasped, are you okay? (i’m fine. i’m FINE. IM FINE!) The words bubbled from his lips with a soft laugh.  
Agonizingly slowly, Baz pulled himself to a sitting position.  
(Don't pretend to…) Another sob wracked through his body leaving him laying on the floor again. Simon jumped up and with Bunce’s help picked Baz up taking him back to his bed. He’s so light, whispered Bunce. I…I’m okay, started Baz wishing he could just disappear. No! No you’re not Baz, shouted Simon, making Baz wince at the intense volume. You’re starving yourself, you’re self harming! Please stop, Simon pleaded leaving Baz to stare back at him with a watery gaze.  
He wanted to stop.  
He knew he was hurting himself and those around him, but slowly withering was so much better. An escape, a way to be free from the chains of the world. He was in control. He could decide when to stop eating (control) and when to burn (control) and when to cut himself (CONTROL).  
Simon slipped his arms around Baz and whispered softly, everything will be okay, like a mantra. (Like it will come true after enough chants.) Bunce slipped out the door saying, I’ll go get you something to eat.  
He didn’t want to eat. (No. No, no. No. No. Nonononononono.) It would undo all of his work, all the time and energy just to make him better.  
A few more days and he would be perfect.  
But, Simon was still here rocking him and whispering that he would be okay. Maybe he could be okay. Maybe he could live a good and normal life (He’d never be normal again).  
And m…maybe they do care, Baz thought in wonder. It would take so much work and pain, but maybe he could get better. I WANT to get better, he thought, slowly bring the words to life, mouthing them, whispering the sacred words over and over, tears beginning to pour from his eyes again.

**Author's Note:**

> the ending is up to interpretation:
> 
> 1) baz gets better with penny and simon's help
> 
> or
> 
> 2) he relapses and commits suicide.
> 
> you decide!!
> 
> thanks for reading.


End file.
